Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Talking about grief

The NY Times reviews a book "The Other Side of Sadness"


A professor of clinical psychology at Columbia University, Dr. Bonanno has now interviewed hundreds of bereaved people, following some for years before and after the fact, looking for patterns.

His conclusion: the bereaved are far more resilient than anyone — including Freud, and the bereaved themselves — would ever have imagined.

......
In contrast to the grim slog of Freudian grief work, the natural sadness that actually follows a death is not a thick soup of tears and depression. People can be sad at times, fine at other times. The level of fluctuation is “nothing short of spectacular”; the prevalence of joy is “striking.”

Over all, we are hard-wired to move on, helped by innate mechanisms that may seem maladaptive or abnormal but are actually quite common and effective.


Perhaps the saying by Neitzche applies; "What does not destroy me, makes me strong".

I remember thinking to myself some months after my husband died, when I was coming out of the fog; "He is dead, but I am still here. I still have a life ahead of me to be lived, and wallowing in grief will not allow me to get on with my life".

Furthermore, because of his death at the age of 52, it made me realize we might not get as much time on earth as we imagine. So, if you want to accomplish something, don't put it off.

I think losing someone you are very close to, changes you. It forces one into change, which is not generally welcome, but requires a person to adapt. Make new friends, do different things. It pushes one out of the accustom routine, and generally fosters some evaluation of the life being lived, and, the life already lived.

We cannot change the past, but only hope to learn from it.

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Monday, December 28, 2009

I hate winter

It's cold. Really cold. I don't feel like going anywhere, or doing anything.

My oldest brother was unable to join us for Christmas dinner, as he had 3 foot drifts of snow in front of his garage.

We had about 3 inches of snow here, so those of us in town got together.

My brother M's birthday is tomorrow. I will either take him out to eat, or cook him dinner at my house, we haven't yet decided.

Today I need to go to my Mom's house and get food out of the freezer. She had a very large chest style freezer, and we must get it emptied.

I am worried about my neighbor next door to my house. I have spoken with him several times. He is not currently living in the house next door, as he is taking care of his mother who has Alzheimer's. He talked to me about the problems with his family, as often occurs when there is a parent to be cared for.

His van appeared at his house the day before Christmas, and has not moved. Someone came by his house yesterday, and again today, but his van has not moved.

My neighbor had confessed to me a few months ago that he had "fallen off the wagon".

Perhaps he is just drowning his sorrows. I certainly hope he didn't decide life was no longer worth living.

Care giving certainly takes it's toll, so perhaps he just needed some time alone.

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Thursday, December 24, 2009

Christmas stress

This Christmas will be the last dinner at my Mother's house, as we will need to get things moved out as we hope to get it listed for sale in Jan. Yes, it will be a bit sad, but time marches on. At least our family is doing well, all things considered.

I am not stressing over Christmas. My siblings and I discontinued the gift exchange many years ago.

We use to buy for our nephews, but they are old enough now they can earn money to buy what they want, although they are generally disinclined to do so.

My b/f and I don't exchange presents, which allows us to avoid the endless searching for the perfect gift.

It has started to snow, so we will have a white Christmas. I did not put up a tree, neither at my house nor my Mother's. I just can't see spending all that time putting it up, taking it down, when I could be using that time to strip wallpaper, or perhaps, sleep.

Apparently I am a trend setter, as the New York Times reports more and more people are opting out of the Christmas madness;

Saying No, No, No to the Ho-Ho-Ho



IT was beginning to look a lot like Christmas. So what was a good, compassionate, environmentally conscious guy like Dan Nainan to do?

The tree was the first problem. “You cut down a tree and you’re going to throw it out in three weeks,” he said. “If you get a plastic tree, you’re wasting petroleum.”

Then there was the whole matter of buying gifts. “I think it’s great that people are going out and buying things and helping the economy,” he said. But when a Wal-Mart employee can be trampled to death in a manic dash for holiday bargains, as happened last year, “that kind of crystallized everything for me.”

The answer: Skip it. The whole holiday. No tree. No stockings, carols or any of the “whole nine yards” of trappings and traditions that Mr. Nainan said his family has always laid on.

“Instead of buying stuff for people who don’t need it and will probably return it anyway, I’m going to take all the money that I would have spent on presents, find some needy people — not a charity — and give the money directly to them,” said Mr. Nainan, 28 years old and single, who, belying his earnestness and world-saving inclinations, is a professional comedian. He planned to spend Christmas Day working on his Web site, trolling Facebook and taking an elderly woman who lives in his Manhattan apartment building out for dinner.

This has been a year for paring back Christmas....


Merry Christmas

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Saturday, December 19, 2009

Cleaning out Mom's closet

Yesterday my sister and I spent a few hours cleaning out my Mom's closet.

Well, at least the clothes that were on hangars. We didn't get through the shelf, the shoes, and the other stuff she had tucked away.

My sister is about the same size as was my Mother, before her strokes, so there were quite a few clothes my sister tried on. I don't know how many she took, but there were a couple of nice outfits which I saw on her, and encouraged her to take.

And she seemed pleased.

Most of the clothes we boxed up for charity, but several which I considered a bit "vintage" we kept back for the estate sale. If they don't sell, we can always send them to charity, but I know some people go to estate sales looking for vintage clothes.

I took all the costume jewelry and handkerchiefs. Not that I really need all that stuff, but it might be fun to enjoy for a while.

I did pull down one box from the shelf. It contained old photos, some things from my Dad's time in the military, the cable announcing the birth of my oldest brother (my Father was in Tinnian at the time), and I don't know what all else.

I thought it would be fun for my brother's and I to sort through that box at Christmas. It will be my brothers, me, and my b/f for dinner. My sister and her family are going to Florida.

And Christmas is fast approaching. We don't do gift exchange, so I don't have that stress. Just cooking dinner.

This will probably be the last time we use Mom's house for a dinner.

I can't decide if I should use her china, or get down the Christmas dishes.

I'll let my brother M decide.

As Mom wasn't able to sit at a table to eat the last couple of years, it won't be too difficult eating without her.

I still haven't made it to the cemetery. Maybe I will go in the next week.

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Tuesday, December 15, 2009

More caregiving

Well, it's been a fun week. I spent quite a lot of time at the hospital etc. with my b/f. He is okay, but had an infection around the catheter which is used for dialysis. It had to be removed so it could heal, and then a few days later, reinserted. Of course, wouldn't you know it, the surgeon didn't sew it up tight enough and it started bleeding, so back to the hospital last night.

In between they had to insert a temporary one.

I really can't complain, as he was the one enduring all the pain. All I had to do was drive him around, wait, and then of course wait on him hand and foot.(just kidding)

Good thing I am not working at a real job.


And, we are looking at a house for my brother.

I found one which is really, really, cheap.

It needs a lot of work, but my brother is rather "low maintenance" so it doesn't bother him. It's on a huge lot, more than 1/2 acre and on 2 sides there is just grass and trees because of a tower, so it's like living in the country, but it's in the city. It's only about 6 blocks from where he lives now, so he knows the area.

I enjoy this project (besides, of course, working on my house). It makes me feel good knowing that I can help my brother improve his life.

Mother would be pleased.

So would Dad.

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Oh my! The stuff Mom kept....

It's a good thing Mom's house doesn't have an attic. The stuff she managed to keep in her closets is amazing.

I spent a few hours at her house today, doing my laundry. She had an old hat box in her closet, which I remember from my childhood. I took it down today, and was surprised to find her hat which she wore when she got married. As she was married during wartime, with little notice, she ended up wearing a suit and hat. I guess I had seen it in years past, but forgot.

I also found a hat she made out of pheasant feathers. I remember when she made that hat. Someone who hunted gave her the feathers, and I recall she had quite a lot of trouble getting them clean and affixed to the hat. This was in the days before all the fancy glues like we have now, so I don't really know how she accomplished the task.

She never wore it very much as I think hats went out of style soon after. I presume she kept it, just because it took her so long to make it.

I want to keep these hats, but then I look at all the stuff I have already....and, well, maybe we can find a nice home for them with someone who wears hats.

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Saturday, December 12, 2009

Taking care of family

Parents are always parents, up until the roll reversal, when the children start taking care of parents.

As I have mentioned before, some in my family, as in many families, have problems managing their lives.

I use to think it was just because they didn't want to, but now I realize it's not necessarily their fault. Unfortunately we have a genetic disposition to bi-polar and other mental health issues.

Sometime after my Mother had her strokes, an issue came up with one of my siblings. I could tell my Mother was concerned, although she had long ago learned to kick her chicks out of the nest, even when they kept trying to return.

To ease her mind, I told her I would try to help out my siblings when I could.

It becomes a balancing act, trying to help. I have learned I can only do so much.

Badgering doesn't really help, but sometimes planting a seed, with a little nudging, assistance, and follow up sometimes moves things along.

My brother M (the one I have previously referred to as crazy, which I won't in the future, I am trying to be nice), has already gone through the first installment he received of the inheritance.

I wasn't surprised. What did surprise me, was that he was surprised. When I saw him a couple of days ago he said "I don't know where it went? I know of a couple of expenses, but the rest I don't know".

So, I have invited him for dinner tonight. Perhaps I can "plant some seeds" for planning his future.

Plus, I have a couple of things for him to do on my house. He likes to help, and that is certainly a good trait.

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Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Delayed reaction

I don't know for sure what caused it, but yesterday I had a crying spell. I guess it's delayed mourning. I really miss my Mom.

And not just my Mom, my parents. I am now an orphan.

I guess after my Father died, although I was horribly upset (as his illness lasted only 2 weeks before he died), once the initial shock and mourning occurred, all thoughts and actions turned to taking care of Mom.

Within 5 months she moved to a smaller house, and then 2 months later we cleaned out the "farm house" and held an estate sale.

There was a lot to be done, and I guess although we all missed Dad and spoke of him often, having Mom to take care of forced us to move on.

Mother was also very good at moving on. She disposed of Dad's clothes very quickly, something which took me years to do after my husband died.

It could also just be because the holiday's are approaching, and because today is my birthday.

I always said I should be sending my Mother flowers on my birthday. After all, she did all the work to achieve that day. I think I managed to do so a couple of years, but not as often as I should have.

I have a urge to go to the cemetery to see her grave. I haven't been there since the funeral, but as it's about 15 degrees outside, so that's enough to curb that urge.

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Monday, December 7, 2009

Will Mom's Christmas Cactus bloom?

I brought Mom's Christmas cactus over to my house yesterday.

I think this is one I bought for her last year, as I had managed to kill her old one.

In my defense, I think the plant was more than 15 years old, and wasn't in the best of shape. A little (ok, maybe a lot) of neglect did it in.

Both my Mother and I had Christmas cacti at the same time, for about 10 years. We had an unspoken competition as to who had the most blooms.

I would call and say "my cactus has 2 blooms opened and 6 buds". Sometimes the buds would fall off before they bloomed, and this would be reported in the next call.

It was one of the few things we really had in common.

The cactus looks to have at least 2 buds.

It would be really nice to have a lot of blooms this year. Flowers in December always lifts my spirits.

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Thursday, December 3, 2009

Thinking about Mom's "stuff"

I don't have much furniture, having sold it all when I sold my house in another state.

It's nice, not having furniture, as now I can take some of my Mother's, without being overwhelmed.

My Mother had a dream about 6 months after her first stroke. She dreamt that she had died.

I thought we would get a revelation of her idea of the afterlife.

Well, of course, Mom being Mom, it wasn't that simple.

She dreamed she went to Africa because there was a disease there and she thought she knew how to cure it. But, instead she caught the disease and died.

After she told me this part of her dream, I asked her "and then what?". She replied "I wondered what you would do with my house and all my things".

I told her that I didn't want her house (already having one of my own by this time), but that I could take a lot of her furniture.

This seemed to please her, knowing that her furniture would have a nice home and be appreciated.

And so, the other evening I walked around my house, imagining places for Mom's furniture.

That made me happy.

And, Mother would be pleased.

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