Dreams

I hesitate to write this, as people getting together in groups to discuss their dreams is one of the latest fads. The New York Times even refers to these dream groups as the "new book clubs".


I often remember my dreams.

Last night I had a dream that my Mother was still alive (not sure where she was supposedly living), but was taken to the hospital for tests.

In my dream, I was working, and didn't go to the hospital to be with her. And, I didn't even bother to be at her home when they brought her home. Somehow one of the "granny sitters" arrived to be with her at the home, but left when I arrived.


I didn't know what I was going to do, as I was now working. I wanted to just go off and leave her, but even in my dream I realized she was bedfast, and I really shouldn't do that.

That's all I remember.

I wrote this a few days ago in a draft. I had completely forgotten about this dream, so good thing I wrote it down.

Guess my subconscious continues to work on the issues I had during my caretaking time.

Grieving goes on, and on...

Everyone grieves in their own way. There is no right or wrong way. People wonder "is this normal".

Of course, "What is normal" in anything in life is debatable.

I remember (when going to group grief counseling after my husband died), that it was "normal" for people who had lost a loved one, to be very busy with projects. There were many in the group who confirmed this, taking on projects of cleaning out the garage, painting the house, etc.

I never felt this urge. I went to work every day, but drug myself home at the end of the day and barely moved from the couch.

But, after 6 months or so, I did feel inclined to get out, do things. If for no other reason than to NOT be at home where I couldn't avoid thinking about my dead husband. I still had all of his stuff, and couldn't bear to part with anything.

Others feel the need to get rid of everything right away. I remember my Mother giving away my Father's clothes within a week of him dying. She told everyone she could use the extra closet space, but she probably just didn't want to look at his clothes every day. That is probably much healthier than what I did, but I was young, and ill prepared to deal with the death of a husband.

It's been almost 9 months since my Mother died, and sometimes I still face waves of grief. Regret that I didn't relieve her suffering as quickly as I should have.
Missing her, and my Father. Now that they are both gone, I realize how much I also miss my Father.

But I miss them as they were in their younger years. I know if they were alive, and both invalids, there would be different feeling.... wanting them to be free of their suffering.

Yet, still I grieve.

However, if I really listen for their "voices", my Dad would telling me, "Oh, quit your crying", and my Mom would say "It doesn't do any good, and it just makes you feel bad". They would both remind me of the various projects I could be working on, to "get my mind off of it".

Probably pretty good advice.