Made it through the night

Mom was quite warm last night. They say that a fever is part of the body shutting down, that it's not due to a virus.

I put a cool washcloth on her forehead, and dipped cotton balls in alcohol and spread that over her arms and neck. It seemed to cool her off.

I gave her more morphine and ativan. The morphine doesn't really knock her out like I thought it would. I wonder if it doesn't really work on her, so this morning I just gave her the ativan. I will check if it seems to make a difference without the morphine.

She is comfortable. I gave her a few ice chips, although at one point she chocked a little, so I stopped.

She keeps reaching for my hand to hold.

I need to get back in there and do some hand holding.

Later

Holding hands

Last night when I was standing at my mother's bedside, she was anxiously trying to get her hand out from under the covers.

I thought maybe she needed to wipe her nose, but then once her hand was free she reached up to take my hand.

She has been holding my hand a lot lately. It's really sweet.

Especially as she has never been a very demonstrative person.

I guess this is her way of saying "thanks for taking care of me, and I love you".

As I type this, tears are rolling down my cheeks.

God, sometimes it is just so hard. Not necessarily the physical work, but just the emotional strain.