Went inside M's house

I realized I had not been inside M's house since the computer was moved to my house.

That has been a month ago, I guess.

I went over to his house to pick up a library book he checked out on my card,
it was overdue. It was all about estate planning, "planning for the unexpected",
and he had checked it out when I asked him to make out a DPOA (Durable Power of Attorney) for medical decisions, so I could have access to information, and
discuss things with Drs. as needed.

We did this before his appointment with the cardiologist. That was in mid-June. Never in my wildest imagination did I expect him to die. Well, someday, sure,
but not now.

I have learned that sometimes, for our own sanity, we just cannot dwell on
the one who died. It's too hard, it makes one stay in a hole which then
becomes harder and harder to crawl out of.

Just like all the stuff about 9/11. I worked in One World Trade Center, 77th floor. Not on 9/11, but many years before. I knew people who worked in that
building. Now they are asking people "what did you keep from that day?",
and I am quite sure I can say "nothing". I have learned that in order to
move on, sometimes you really have to eradicate the past. Dwelling on it
is like picking at a scab...it is never allowed to heal.

We never forget. It's somewhere in the back of your mind. It comes
when we call for it.

But if you keep it in the forefront, it's there all the time. In your
nightmares, when you think you see something out of the corner of your
eye, when you think you saw them in the car.

It's too hard.

It's not that we don't care. We will never quit caring.

It's about self preservation, about learning how to cope, how
to go on living.