Notes to the minister

The associate minister at the church my parents attended will do
the memorial service. The senior minister has taken another posting
and will be moving the day of the service.

This is what I e-mailed to the associate minister, to give him some
background on M. He only met M once, in the hospital.

As for the service, if you would like to do a short sermon, it would be nice
if there could be a theme of compassion towards others.

M was bi-polar with OCD, and because of his age such things were not diagnosed
when he was growing up, and there were no drugs available.

Because of his mental problems, he was (as the ICU nurse said to me),
"a handful". He was very difficult to be around, did not have
many friends, and would tend to end relationships when something
went wrong or he felt offended.

When any of us would complain about M, our Mother would wisely
say "that's just the way he is".
M just couldn't change, no more than
someone can change the color of their skin. When he would do
something he shouldn't, I would say "you shouldn't have done that", and
he would say "I know". For example, the day I took him to the
emergency room, when he was actually in heart failure, that
morning he just had to get out and plug up a hole in the eave of
the house to keep birds out. He should not have done it,
he knew he should not have done it, but he just couldn't keep
from doing it because it bothered him so much.

Because he was 8 years older than me it took a long time to readjust
our roles from older brother/younger sister, to older brother
who needs help and younger sister he would trust. But, I was
not always so compassionate. When I was younger I was
embarrassed to have him around (well, honestly that never changed,
I just learned to accept him as he was).

It was only after our mother
had a stroke that I took a more active role in trying to help him.

And he helped me. I took care of our Mom 24/7 for 2 1/2 years.
Every week he would ride his bike 4 miles
one way to stay with my Mom to give me an afternoon off.

When I jammed the garbage disposal, he was the one I could
count on to fix it. He planted the garden for me, and was always
around to help out if I needed. Even in the bitter winter he would
ride the bus and walk 6 blocks to Mom's house, to give me
time off.

I hope this gives you something to go on.

I am asking that instead of flowers, contributions be
made to the clinic where M received care and also often
ate at their free dinners. I didn't know about their
free dinners for a long time, but recently I figured
out he must have eaten there several times a week,
if not every day. They certainly are deserving.
It's run by the Catholic Church, which M use to say bad
things about, but am pretty sure he readjusted his thinking,
based on how nice they were to him.