Remembering that look

Monday, when my Mother couldn't breathe, the look on her face was sheer terror.

After the episode, I wondered if she would recover.

I decided, I hoped she would not.

If she recovered, it was very possible at some point she would go through that again. And, who knows... what if it had happened at night, when no one was there?

I have not slept by her bed at night. It's been 2 1/2 years. I had to take care of myself.

She use to have a "ringer" to call when she wanted something. It was a wireless doorbell, with the ringer on elastic around her wrist, and the bell near my bedroom.

This went on for about 1 1/2 years, then a year or so ago, she was ringing without realizing it. So, after a few middle of the night rings, for no reason, she lost her ringer privileges.

Since then, I would put her to bed at night, check on her around 11:00 PM or so, and then not look at her again until in the morning. Some mornings I even put off going in there. I would listen outside the door. I always thought "well, if she is dead, another half hour won't matter".

This care giving gets really tiring.

But now, I can't make light of the fact that she will die. Soon.

However, maybe not too soon. She is really hanging on.

My brother, her oldest child, comes tonight.

She is probably hanging on to see him.