Some help
You know what my mom really wants? And needs? What anyone in her situation probably wants and needs? A clean house.
She needs the laundry done and furniture dusted and surfaces de-cluttered, but all these tasks pale in comparison to my father’s needs, so they go undone. She practically wept with gratitude when a home health aide came and changed the bedsheets and vacuumed (you know, because she was paid to do that). She wants nothing more than clean kitchen counters and folded towels and anything that makes life seem a little less like it is now, and more like it once was.
That's what I want too. That's what I thought I would get when my sister offered to come over and clean house (for my mom's birthday present).
When she arrived I was busy with my (our) mom and the home health aide, as well as giving instructions to my brother who was also there that day to help, doing yard work.
Then, one of my other brothers phoned. He was finished getting a medical procedure done, and the person who was to pick him up was MIA. So, I offered to pick him up, take him to get his prescription and take him home. At least it was a chance for me to get out of the house.
My sister wanted to know what to do (apparently she couldn't figure out how to clean up my mom's house). I told her the desk needed clearing off, and vacuuming, dusting, etc.
When I returned 2 hours later she was vacuuming, but complained she couldn't get anything done because I wasn't there to tell her what to do.
I looked at the desk, which was still loaded down with stuff. I said "why didn't you clean off the desk"? Her reply, "Oh, I forgot".
She left about 1/2 hour later as she said she needed to get home. I wasn't really sure why. Her husband works out of town and her children are both over 16.
The only thing she managed to get done was vacuum.
Guess I shouldn't complain.
As my mother says, she figures complaining won't do any good.
Wow, mom is right! Again!
Labels: cleaning house, complaining, no good siblings
posted by Confessions of a Caregiver at
4:07 PM
2 Comments:
This comment has been removed by the author.
The problem with your type of all-consuming caregiving is that you have put your own life “on hold” while you dedicate yourself to making the rest of your mom’s life as pleasant as possible for her. Don’t get me wrong! You will never regret this, but in the meantime, you can’t make any plans for your own future. It’s a challenging situation. You have to take time for yourself, or you won’t be effective with your mom. I encourage you and others in your situation to thoughtfully think through and share strategies to make your own life fulfilling and stay healthy and relaxed.
My caregiving situation is much more limited because my dad is in an apartment at a top-notch retirement facility. He is 95 years old and exercises on a recumbent bike for 75 minutes every day and takes half-hour upper torso classes five days a week. (Actually, I just got an e-mail from him reporting that he’s done 60 minutes on the bike this morning and will do 20 this afternoon.) They fixed his ticker with quintuple bypass surgery 18 months ago, so I expect him to live to be over 100 at the rate he’s going.
Although I am not involved in minute-by-minute caregiving, Dad depends on me in many ways. I am his health-care advocate and take him to all his medical appointments, etc. I won’t bore you with the details. I can take a week’s vacation, and could probably extend that to two weeks (if my husband’s schedule permitted). However, I couldn’t really be gone much longer without adversely affecting Dad’s life, and I’ll certainly never move out of town while he’s alive. Thankfully, I’m self-employed at this point in my life, but I realize that I’m not really in a position to work full time while doing what I do for my dad.
So, my hat is off to those of you who have taken on so much responsibility for your aging loved ones (I affectionately call them codgers and codgerettes). Band together to bolster each other and share dutiful offspring survival tactics!
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